If nothing else, it's life.

The Sims

2009-12-08T22:32:00.003-06:00

So I am hopelessly addicted to playing The Sims. When your sim grows up badly, they say something to the effect of "it's happening too soon!"

I kinda feel like this. I'm growing up way too quickly. But I guess it happens to some people, and I'll be better and stronger for it.

Secondly, I realized yesterday that I enjoy playing Sims so much b/c I can control everything. Whereas in real life I feel like everything is spinning out of control. Playing Sims is a nice break.

Sad

2009-12-01T22:53:00.000-06:00

Tough decisions

2009-11-23T00:30:00.003-06:00

I made my decision today, and I swear it was the most difficult one I've ever had to make. I'm hurting, and I know I'm not alone in my pain, but I think everything happens for a reason. It may take a long time, but some good will come from this. In the end if it's meant to be then we will find a way back to each other, and we will be stronger for all this. If not, then we live, learn, and grow.

Right now it hurts so bad I can't even get through this without crying. I hope it will get easier with time.

Revalation

2009-11-09T21:34:00.000-06:00

I had an interesting one.

OOoOooooOOoO Amanda's being mysterious.

When I look in the mirror I see...

2009-11-06T01:03:00.003-06:00

Liked the idea, Meg, so I stole it...

A nice complection
My mother, though I hate to admit it
Confidence in self
A sense of unease about the future
Willingness to grow and change
Independence
Courage
Strength I never knew was there until this year
Really cute glasses
Beauty

Submit Application

2009-11-02T00:56:00.002-06:00

One click and I say goodbye control of my future
One click and I hope they like me
One click and 500 words are all you got
One click and suddenly I feel a lot more vulnerable
One click and my confidence is gone

Quote of the Day

2009-10-27T11:59:00.001-05:00

"I'm just one big hot mess"

"I'm sorry. At least you're hot right?"

I've never

2009-10-26T14:22:00.001-05:00

I've never been so upset at someone. No idea where to go from here. I just want to punch something as hard as I can, repeatedly.

500 words

2009-10-19T18:07:00.001-05:00

That's all I have to work with in order to explain my desire to attend grad school, who I am and where I am going.

No pressure.

Magazine article

2009-10-12T00:33:00.002-05:00

I read an article today during my lunch break about finding out who you are. The author related the search for one's self to something a painter once told her. He said he never knew what his painting was going to end up looking like, usually he could visualize 1/4 of the painting, but never the whole thing. The painter said he would constantly paint something, decide it wasn't really part of the whole, and paint over it with white, thus starting over. In the end the painting would look nothing like he could ever imagine.

I think it's a great metaphor for our search to find out who we really are. We all start out knowing a little bit about ourselves, and we constantly try to mix and match the rest. Some parts work out, others seemed like they were going to but end up being "painted over". In the end our search ends up a beautiful masterpiece, and one that was probably very unexpected.

A good thought

2009-10-07T11:58:00.002-05:00

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Liberated

2009-10-06T01:24:00.002-05:00

The craziness that has been my life is winding down now, and the stress is melting away.

I feel like I can finally relax. I feel like I can by myself. I feel like I can let go.

And it feels fantastic.

"I'm Alive" Kenny Chesney and Dave Mathews

2009-09-08T14:45:00.001-05:00

What a great song

So damn easy to say that life's so hard
Everybody's got their share of battle scars
As for me I'd like to thank my lucky stars that
I'm alive and well

It'd be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you've sat and watch go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me... I'm alive

And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
And I'm alive and well
I'm alive and well

Stars are dancin' on the water here tonight
It's good for the soul when there's not a soul in sight
This motor's caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I'm alive and well

And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
Now I'm alive and well
Yeah I'm alive and well

Something missing

2009-09-07T15:07:00.002-05:00

I need something new in my life, something exciting. I just don't know what. Maybe I need to start doing something, maybe join a gym. I just feel like my life is falling into a boring routine. While at the same time being hectic. Does that make sense?

I just need some excitement, something to jazz things up.

Opportunities

2009-09-02T14:24:00.002-05:00

I had an interview yesterday at City Hall for an entry level position that puts me on the track to everything I want in a career. So why am I a little bummed at the thought of taking this exciting job and forgoing plans to attend graduate school?

I think it took me such a long time to convince myself grad school was a good choice, and once my mind was convinced I put my heart into it as well. I also convinced myself that if I don't grab the chance to go now, I may never go. I worry that this job, which is so desirable, will prevent me from going to school, and maybe I will lose the opportunity and desire to get my masters.

So I have some thinking to do. Both are great opportunities, which makes it harder.

Politicians and angry citizens of America...

2009-08-13T14:37:00.001-05:00

Chill the fuck out.

A goal for my 23rd year

2009-08-09T22:07:00.000-05:00

BE MORE ADVENTUROUS IN ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE.

2009-07-10T21:32:00.001-05:00

Fuckin tired of this shit

2009-07-07T22:59:00.002-05:00

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGG!

I am so tired of everything happening, one after the other after the other! WTF, we don't even have a chance to breathe! They say "it will make you stronger." Well I think I am strong enough, thanks, life. Now fuckin leave us alone!

Postponement

2009-06-29T15:33:00.002-05:00

Grad school will have to wait until Spring Semester. There are factors I completely forgot about, and reasons I cannot start school right now. Hopefully they are cleared by spring and I can go back to school as planned. I'm actually really looking forward to it.

It's a big bummer, but I would regret starting right now. Maybe it will give me a chance to figure out financial aid. Everything for a reason, right?

Not so confused

2009-06-22T20:55:00.000-05:00

Just worried about where my thoughts are taking me and what it all will mean.

?

2009-06-21T13:58:00.001-05:00

I am so confused right now.

Rough month so far

2009-06-14T13:25:00.002-05:00

I feel like this has been the most difficult time in my life. I also feel like it has made me grow up so much more, and I'm not sure I am happy about that. Hopefully things get better.

Starting off the month right

2009-05-31T21:38:00.001-05:00

It's time to get serious and stop putting off a certain goal of mine.

I have 1 year.

Back in touch

2009-05-28T11:45:00.002-05:00

Got an email back from my boss from last summer's internship. I'm really excited about getting back in touch with her because it reopens the doors into that field of work.

Still looking for city jobs too, or anything really that appeals to me. No luck though, even for jobs I am overqualified for. Oh well, I have the feeling the right job is out there.

Marriage

2009-05-25T17:19:00.004-05:00

Begin Rant

So I've been thinking a lot about the subject of marriage. With that pageant queen running her mouth, Elizabeth Edwards new book, and of course, Jon and Kate. There are a lot of issues that anger me, but I think I have come to a conclusion. Bear with me through this, in time maybe it will make sense!

So we can start with the main issue, should we have the right to say who can and cannot marry? Those who know me and my politics know my answer is no. Those who think differently that I do will tell me, but Amanda, what about the sanctity of marriage. We need to preserve the sacredness of it all.

My response, and the tie in for the rest of this post: American society does not respect the institution of marriage as it is, so why are so worried about two men or women who love each other getting married? What is it going to do to the pathetic ideal of marriage we still have left? We live in a world today where you have a 50/50 shot of divorce. It is so common that I was able to find books for a 5 yr old on "why mommy and daddy are not friends anymore." Do you know how troubling it is to find not one book, but about 8-10 of them on this subject? I was so depressed after.

This society that apparently holds marriage in so high and sacred of regard is falling over itself, waiting to hear that Jon and Kate have divorced. Cries of, "I knew it!" and "I'd ditch her too" will fill the air.

Meanwhile Britney Spears, role model extraordinaire, is drunk again and has married another a-hole. But it's cool, a hasty divorce and we're all happy again. Just another weekend.

I am concerned for the state of marriage in America, but not because of the two guys at the courthouse looking to marry. I am concerned that my daughter might grow up accepting the fact that she will probably get divorced someday. I am concerned that divorce is becoming the easy out of disputes. Back in the day you worked out your differences, you didn't just give up.

I know it takes a lot of strength to work out the differences in a marriage. I know not everyone has that kind of strength, and I know sometimes marriages are beyond saving. This brings me to Elizabeth Edwards.

In my opinion Elizabeth Edwards is stronger than I will ever be. She could have gotten out, divorced, and been done with it all. But amazingly she found the strength to forgive her husband and keep her marriage together. Not many would have done that, I doubt I would have.

So in the end I feel that marriage is only as sacred as you make it personally, and that's all you should give a damn about - your marriage. Because if more people started giving a damn about their own marriage instead of Jon and Kate's, or the two gay guys' marriage, maybe we could restore some true "sanctity" or whatever to our ideal of marriage.

Comments are welcome, but if you're gonna argue you need to come at me with more than the bible.

End Rant.

The Secret

2009-05-22T22:43:00.001-05:00

A customer told me today that I should read "The Secret." Until now I have felt very negatively about that book, looks like every other self improvement book out there. But she seemed so sincere about it, plus I've been in the mood for a good self improvement read. Maybe I should check it out.

Strength

2009-05-11T17:20:00.002-05:00

She has been so strong for me, and my hero, more times than I can fathom. And I am so scared that when I need to be strong for her, when she needs me to be a hero, I will be too weak.

The road to self improvement

2009-04-27T21:34:00.000-05:00

Starts tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Lazy Sunday

2009-04-19T12:01:00.001-05:00

New hair looks awesome!

I really love my job, and I'm good at it.

In the process of applying to grad school.

And I am finally driving comfortably on the highway! :-)

Hoyt's coming to visit on Friday, and the 22nd will be two years. :-)

Things are going well.

I do feel, however, that there is room for improvement in my life. I'm looking for a book to read that fits this desire to improve myself. Problem is I don't have major esteem issues, I already found my voice. I guess I just want something that will help me best use my strengths. Plus I don't think I appreciate the happiness I have. And I'm a total pessimist. So we'll see what I can find.

Still, things are going very well.

Hair

2009-04-14T13:27:00.001-05:00

Will be totally different this evening! Woohoo!

Currently on my mind...

2009-04-07T17:24:00.002-05:00

Grad School - do I actually have a chance? With a good recommendation (check) and a stellar statement of purpose (in progress) maybe I do! I have an appointment with an advisor Thursday to discuss the whole situation.

B&N - I love it there. Couldn't ask for a better retail job experience.

Hoyt - Miss you lots, can't wait to see you later this month.

Assorted friends - Miss y'all too. Can't wait to find time to go visit!

Easter - I wonder if we'll actually go to mass?! I kinda want to...

My feet - hurt.

Where do you see yourself in 5 yrs?

2009-03-22T00:35:00.002-05:00

This is one of those common interview questions. One you can prolly practice over and over. I know because I have prepared my interview answer for it before. But the other day while driving home I really gave a second thought to that question. When you think about the answer outside of an interview context it becomes much more complex. There is no textbook answer you recite because the company wants to hear it. There is only what you want in life, what you envision your path to be.

It's a tough question to answer. I envy anyone who can tell you straight up. I want to be able to someday, though.

So where do I see myself in 5 yrs? All I can hope for is that I am happy, financially stable, and have love in my life.

B&N

2009-03-16T18:30:00.002-05:00

So far so good with the new job. I'm really enjoying myself, and the job itself is challenging. Setting up a new store is more work than I thought! I was thinking about joining a gym, but I don't think I have to while we're setting up the store. I've lifted more weight the past two weeks then in my entire life, I think! Today we started sorting and putting things in alphabetical order, which I must admit is my favorite. I'm such a dork.

Anyway, the job has been great because it's getting me out of the house, and I feel like I have more freedom now. I also feel like I have a life, lol.

Although a social life, I don't have. Which sucks. But I guess all in good time. That's another perk to going back to Grad School I think, meeting new people around my age. I miss everyone in CS so badly. My coworkers are cool, but a lot of them are older. Hopefully some social opportunities arise though, I enjoy talking to everyone there a lot.

I get to learn to work Cafe next week, which is kinda exciting. It's something I've always wanted to try out, working in a cafe.

Ummm, yeah. Til next time.

What a difference!

2009-02-27T16:51:00.002-06:00

Even though it's just Barnes and Nobles, now that I have a job I feel like I'm doing something. I have energy again and I don't feel like a couch potato living off my parents. It's a good feeling.

Seriously thinking about grad school now. I'm going to call and make an appointment with an academic advisor. Also, I need to call the bank and see what they can do for me loan-wise.

:-)

I'm feeling so good right now!

Going back

2009-02-17T10:38:00.002-06:00

Last week Jason's class was in charge of mass at his school. So Grandma and I went to watch him as he brought up the gifts for communion. It was a nice mass, the kids were cute. It also got me thinking about my faith, and potentially returning to the life of a practicing Catholic. It's something I would like to do, I know religion is missing from my life, but it's so hard to get past the pessimism that is echoing in my mind. I have faith, but I miss the comfort of attending mass every week.

24 hrs later

2009-02-16T20:38:00.001-06:00

And I feel a whole lot better.

I think I've accepted the fact that I am a little lost, and that's ok. No one transitions into "real life" easily. This is yet another time in my life where I need to figure out who I am and what I want. It will take time, but hey, people always say it's not the destination that counts, but the journey. Well, there I go!

Feelings after a great weekend

2009-02-15T19:22:00.002-06:00

This weekend was wonderful, but now that it's ending I am faced with the reality that my life is here now, and frankly there's not much to it yet. This transition into "real life" has taken it's toll on me very slowly, and it kinda all came out a little while ago. I feel like I'm in limbo between college life and an adult life.

I feel so detached from my life in CS, and my friends. I rarely talk to some people now, even though I try. Maybe I don't try hard enough. Hoyt's visit this weekend allowed me to feel like I was back in CS again, and then when he left I was brought back to everything facing me here. It sucked pretty hardcore.

I hope things get better soon. I hope I find a job and meet new people, or maybe I will go back to school. Who knows? I just want to keep in touch with my old friends while I continue my life here.

Good weekend

2009-02-09T00:09:00.003-06:00

This weekend was pretty nice. No one was sick, and I enjoyed Hannah's basketball games, a big family get together, and some quiet at-home time with the family. I rarely enjoy those large family outings, so it's nice when they turn out so well. My maternal instincts must have been going nuts this weekend, though, because I was holding one of my little cousins for about an hour yesterday. I found it hard to resist, however, because she was so adorable. :-)

I miss my weekends in CS though. Spending time with my friends, going out to N. Gate, or Addison's apt, or Jason's. I'm gonna miss it more when baseball season starts up again.

Valentine's day is coming up. I have a little surprise for Hoyt. I can't wait to see him this weekend; it's been more than a month since I have seen him. I think I've been coping well with this transition to a long distance relationship, probably because I have experience with this sort of thing. But I still miss him terribly, especially at night when I'm going to sleep and there's no one next to me, or in the morning when I wake up and again, there's no one next to me. I hope seeing him this weekend will help ease some of that pain from missing him.

So yay for a good, pleasant weekend, and here's to hoping next weekend is even better.

Little surprises

2009-02-03T10:51:00.002-06:00

I love them.

My housing deposit appeared in my bank account today, which was pretty awesome.

My grandmother always says these sort of things are signs that God is looking out for you. I like that idea. She then used this opportunity to remind me to say my prayers every night. Perhaps I should start. I imagine it might help me out in the long run.

Curious

2009-02-02T22:59:00.000-06:00

Does anyone read this?

Hard to admit

2009-02-01T23:44:00.000-06:00

That I just don't know.

Blarg

2009-01-25T23:51:00.002-06:00

There's nothing going on right now, which sucks ass. I need a job.

Grad school is truly sounding more and more appealing. I'm thinking about making an appt. with an admissions counselor from UTSA in the next couple of weeks. The deadline for fall admission isn't til June, so I think I have some time. It's not so much my wanting to postpone the real world that is sending me back to school, it's just that every decent paying/challenging job out there in govt. requires a whole lot of experence OR a masters in public admin. So that's what I am looking at. Wish me luck.

In the meantime things are getting better in the relationship world, which is nice. I hope it stays that way. My emotions have been a rollercoster as of late, esp. since relationship emotions have been mixed with frusterations about a lack of job. I hope everything falls into place soon.

This entry reminds me of the song "Float On" :

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's ok
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what did I say
Well you just laughed it off it was all ok

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on any way well

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam
It was worth it just to learn from sleight-of-hand
Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work it's way to all them plans
We both got fired on the exactly the same day
Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on ok
And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Now don't you worry we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Alright don't worry we'll all float on

And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Aliright don't worry even if things end up a bit to heavy
We'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Ok don't worry we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy we'll all float on
Alright already we'll all float on
Don't you worry we'll all float on
All float on

Grey skies are gonna clear up

2009-01-13T22:45:00.004-06:00

Feelin' better about a few things, one big one in particular. I think once I calmed down a little bit things fell back into place. I'm not saying I am completely past it, but I am definitely past the emotional, irrational approach to it all. And that's a step in the right direction.

Now if only I could find a job.

On a side note, I have eaten at least one salad everyday for the last couple of days, and I think it's a good trend to start. I didn't even notice that I was doing it, but now that I am aware of it I am going to keep it up. Having it easily accessable here at home is making a big difference.

I looked into Grad school today. Am considering a masters in public admin. Worth 30K in additional debt? Not sure about that, yet. We'll see...

Random post about stuff

2009-01-12T00:48:00.003-06:00

Real life sucks. You have to make tough decisions, and think about your future when you make those decisions.

I've been reminiscing about a lot of things in the last couple days. A lot of college memories. Those 4 1/2 years were really the best years of my life, I think. I look forward to making more memories like those. Memories I can tell my kids about.

I've been thinking of looking into the San Antonio A&M club, and seeing if they do stuff around town. That might be kinda fun, meet some people. Then again it might be a bunch of old guys, who knows? It's worth a shot.

You know, I'm curious as to what people in HS would think of me now. I am so different now. Hmm...

Sleepy time. Zzzzzz........

Change is good...right?

2009-01-08T12:01:00.003-06:00

So this is my first, legit post-graduation post. And oh my do I have things running through my mind.

Everything has changed. As much as I don't want to admit it, everything has changed. I find myself reevaluating things I didn't think I would have to give second thoughts to and considering things I didn't think I would care about a few months ago. This whole, becoming a responsible adult thing has changed so much in such a short period of time.

Thankfully I have such a wonderful support system, great friends and family, and a wonderful guy who cares a lot about me. I hope they will continue to support me as I start to make some of the decisions that will shape the rest of my life. Because really, every step I make as of now is going to shape the life I lead from now on. That's a scary thing. Studying for a test affects your grade. Applying for a job, or deciding what's best for you in your life affects... everything.

I think I might be more stressed out right now than I ever was in college.

New Year

2009-01-03T23:41:00.000-06:00

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself. "

Neil Gaiman

I need....

2008-12-22T22:53:00.001-06:00

...to blog more.

11.18.99

2008-11-18T15:27:00.009-06:00

Last night at bonfire memorial was one of the most moving moments in my life. I'm not sure what happened exactly, but standing there in the freezing cold, with hundreds of my fellow Aggies, I just had one of those "part of something bigger" feelings. That's why I love this school so much.

---------------------

Chip Thiel's speech from Bonfire Memorial Dedication

Five years ago I stood on top of the world perched atop 4th stack with 3 dear friends of mine watching Aggies build what is one of our greatest traditions. Suddenly, in some unforeseeable twist of fate, my life changed, the life of every Aggie that came before and after me changed. Texas A&M changed.

As a natural result Texas A&M has to adapt to a life without bonfire on campus. As we celebrate the memories of 12 aggies whose lives were cut short as they willingly participated in this university’s greatest tradition, I would like to reflect on the contagious spirit of a tradition left behind.

My favorite time of year comes in the fall, when the northern air arrives to push the humidity down to a reasonable level, to turn leaves brown, and to remind me and Ags everywhere that it is bonfire weather. Many current students do not understand this and many former students have let the memory fade. Bonfire weather is the time of year when aggies unselfishly sacrifice time, grades, and everything in between to cut, load, transport, unload, and stack a forest full of trees to create the largest bonfire in the world.

It was bigger than necessary and defied reason and possibility, but we would not have it any other way. While it would have been more efficient to use modern technologies and equipment, we chose to do it as it was done for 90 years; with sweat, blisters, grunts, groans, teamwork, axes, machetes, ropes, chains, wire, over-sized nails, pliers, steel toed boots, carhartt jackets, generous donations, left handed sky hooks, FFE semi’s, muddy pick-ups, muffler less tractors, scarecrows, and perimeter pole fires. Then just before the fightin Texas aggie football team squared off against the ladies from Austin, we burned it in an arrogantly flamboyant ceremony that said, "We are the Aggies, the Aggies are we.”

While 10s of 000’s gathered annually to witness the big fire, the cadets, non-regs, brownpots, yellowpots, butt-pots, crew chiefs, centerpolepots, pink pots, redpots, bonfire buddies, and randoms who had invested 000’s of hours of sweat equity in that stack of wood knew that the only reason we burned it was to clear the Polo Fields so that we could do it all over again next year.

I would now like to take you back to a day prior to Nov 18, 1999 to enjoy what many Ags enjoyed...a common day at bonfire. Not to diminish the memories of the fallen, but to burn into your memory why they were here that night. If you would like, go ahead and close your eyes and take a nostalgic journey back to the good ol days.

As you make your way to the fields, first you hear it. It's dark outside and you are walking across a sleeping and studying campus. Steel toe boots clunking along the sidewalk. A chain jingles at your side that is taped to your pliers. Your pot rattles a little. The first sounds from the field emerge as the buzz of chainsaws, tractor engines, and then some faint music. A nearly worn out Jerry Jeff tape moans out "desperadoes waiting for a train...” Then you can hear the shouts and your pace quickens. "1-2 halfway up/ I need a log right here/ gimmie some wire/ I want my pot back/ headache!/ I need a heave."

Then you can see it. A home made flag waves atop an oppressive hulk of a structure lit by old beat up gas lights atop leaning perimeter poles. A chill of Aggie pride runs down your spine. A mass of people are there; some working, some watching. A huge crane lifts another log and swings it gently into place.

Then you can smell it. Smoke from perimeter fires, mud or dust depending on the weather, diesel, chainsaw mix, cigar smoke, stale coffee, non-reg's grodes, sawdust and fresh cut hardwood.

Then you can taste it. You flick a dead bug off an old donut and wash it down with coffee that tastes like it was made last week. On your way to the stack, you put in a dip of Copenhagen...no less than a third of the can.

Finally you can feel it. A chilly north wind, oaky bark, cold wire, metal pliers, a 2x8 for a seat in a swing on third stack, perimeter ropes nearby. You survey your quadrant and agree with your ground man where you need to concentrate. You spy a penny nail a few logs in, you grab it and stick it through the hole in the sleeve of your jacket so you can use it later. Then you shout with all of your might “ I need some wire and a log up here right now!!!”

At the end of the shift, the sun is peeking up over the oak trees. You work your way down the stack. Your voice is spent. You walk back to the dorm joking with your friends...probably your friends for years to come. All of you tired, but proud to be Aggies and united by the fire.

That is the Bonfire that the 12 we are here to remember knew and loved. It is the Bonfire we all loved building together, and that is the Bonfire I miss.

God Bless America and the Soldiers that defend her.

Gig’em

15 minutes

2008-11-11T19:29:00.004-06:00

In the polisci computer lab, and they tell me I have 15 mins left until they close. Perfect blogging time since Meg complained about a lack of posting.

Um, yeah. So life... it's going to really start in about one month. That kinda scares the piss out of me. Still have no job, which means San Antonio it is! Not too sure if that's a good or bad thing. On one hand I desperately want to live on my own and begin a new journey. On the other hand, there's comfort and stability for a little longer before I have to really plunge head first into this whole adult thing. That's the same predicament I'd be facing if deciding between somewhere else and College Station. Comfort and stability vs. something new. Hmm, I imagine all decisions center around this same basic dilemma.

The past two days have been dreary, and most people think that kind of weather is awful. Honestly, I kind of like it. It makes me want to snuggle indoors with a good book and some tea or hot chocolate. Unfortunately I don't have the time to read good books, only political philosophy. Ugh. I long for the days when I can read for pleasure again.

I need some new music. I am tiring of the same stuff I always listen to. Sadly, there is a whole lot of crap and more crap out there nowadays. If anyone knows of some good rock music, lemme know. That's the mood I am in. Specifically angry chick rocker music. Like Flyleaf. Idk why I am in that mood.

I think my 15 mins are almost up. Til next time, folks!

Sorry, I wasn't aware I was supposed to be emotionally unstable...

2008-10-13T15:55:00.003-05:00

I hate...HATE when people assume someone has issues just because someone doesn't have a father in their life. I've literally had a guy I dated tell me he was surprised I was so confident in myself because I didn't have a father in my life til I was about 11-12.

Really? I'm so sorry to disappoint, but I am emotionally stable and confident. I don't walk around being a crazy bitch, then blame it on daddy issues. News flash: for the majority of people daddy issues are an excuse.

I wanted to slap that stupid little girl right there in class. "In my opinion, anyone who didn't have their biological father in their life has some issues, esp. with self confidence." GOD I was so close to arguing with her right then and there. I think the girl sitting next to me felt the same way I did.

Now I know I had a good life, and I had my grandfather to act as my father figure for so long, and now I have a wonderful step father who I pretty much consider my dad. But I get just as offended by this statement as the girl who didn't have as great of a life as I did.

It's just like all the people that talk about how screwed up you are if you had a single mother. Yeah, ok.

Obviously I am just delusional and all this anger is just my cry for the attention I never got as a child, and it's not like I can trust you because I never learned what trust was since I didn't have my biological father around, and Lord knows I'm gonna go get knocked up by some jerk because he says I'm pretty and I've never heard anyone tell me I'm pretty.

Yeah, ok.

WOW, it's been awhile!

2008-10-01T06:43:00.000-05:00

I just needed to get this off my chest.

Some people from HS just haven't grown the fuck up. It amazes me how they still need to bring others down to feel better. Seriously sweetheart, you photoshop your pictures to make you look better... don't try to put me down. I'm pretty sure you lie about everything else too. Everything about you is fake, and you try to put me down?! Ha. Hahaha.

This week was the wrong time to fuck with me.

Work

2008-08-13T14:08:00.002-05:00

I'm going to miss it.

A lot.

I learned so much, and the people here are amazing. I hope someday to work with great people like these, or maybe even work with them again someday.

I will also miss talking to Meg all day.

At lunch I told them all, can't I just bring you all to CS with me? And that would honestly be the best thing ever.

I don't want to talk about it

2008-08-08T09:29:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I feel that the majority our problems could be solved by the elimination of this phrase. People just don't want to talk about anything that makes them remotely uncomfortable. Take, for example, religion. For years and years it has been unacceptable to talk about religion. Along with politics it's just not something you do. Why? Additionally, sex is also something people just don't talk about. The same goes for politics.

But it's not just controversial topics that people don't want to talk about. This mentality trickles down to individual relationships. People are so afraid to speak up sometimes. I guess I am one of those people who is never afraid to speak my mind, so it might not be fair for me to say it's an easy thing to do. But it's necessary to speak up and talk about things that are uncomfortable. That's the only way things get better. Avoid the topic, avoid the potential confrontation, and the problem persists.

As far as the big topics go... well not talking about those causes problems to persist as well. Problems even arise from not talking these things out. I fully believe our society's lack of communication regarding sexual health is the reason teen pregnancy is such a problem. People are afraid to just say, USE A CONDOM. Instead they want to pretend it doesn't happen, or tell kids not to do it so they don't have to talk about the details.

Religion. People are DEATHLY afraid of talking about this. I don't understand why. Are we afraid our beliefs are gonna be questioned? THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT! If you haven't really given thought to your beliefs, had them challenged, then how do you know you really believe whatever it is you say you believe? And really, if you can't talk about your faith, stand up for it, defend it, that's just sad.

Not talking about some of this stuff creates problems, and it creates ignorance. Ignorance leads to bigotry and hatred, and eventually we have groups like the KKK, girls who say they "didn't even think about wearing a condom", and people are scared that every Muslim is a terrorist.

Rant over.

This one's for Meg

2008-08-01T15:35:00.002-05:00

It's been a little while, apparently. That's because nothing blog worthy has happened to me. But I guess I can write a random blog entry to appease Meg, since I love her and all.

Work is coming to an end. I've really enjoyed it, and I've learned a lot. I really hope this helps me get a job somewhere, prefferably in College Station. There is so much about my personality and the way I work that I have learned this summer, it's going to be a huge help to know all of this before I begin a career.

So I've been hearing a lot about this professor who's getting a lot of recognition for his "last lecture." I watched a special about him on abc the other night, and it was very moving. This man loved life so much, and he cherished every second of it. He was dying of cancer, and yet his attitude was so remarkably positive, and he was still so full of life. It makes me feel horrible about my bad moods and terrible attitude - moods that are spawned by something so mundane, like a bad day, or something not going right. In the face of terminal cancer this man chose to be "a tigger", when most of us chose to be "an eeyore" when we have a bad day at work. I hope some day I can learn to appreciate life for what it's really worth, and live as positively as this man. I haven't listened to his lecture yet, but I plan on doing so very very soon.

Guess I had something to talk about after all.

Blast from the Past

2008-07-07T21:55:00.002-05:00

So this weekend I began the process of unpacking lots of boxes from the old house into our new house. After moving around from apt to apt to apt to house, we've now settled into a house that will be permanent. I haven't unpacked b/c I've been lazy, and then b/c of work. But anyways, I unpacked this past weekend and boy did I find some old stuff!

I found tons of stuff from high school. I took a lot of time looking through everything, remembering old times, old friends, old loves, and I had a chance to reflect on it all. I've really come a long way since then. The transformation really surprises me, I don't think I'm anything like I was 5 or so years ago. Some bits are the same, parts of my personality and such, but my way of thinking has changed dramatically. I have so much more confidence in myself. That alone makes a huge difference.

Looking back I realize how lucky I am now. Lucky to have amazing friends, and a wonderful person to share my life with. Lucky to finally know who I am.

I was able to get rid of a lot of things from years ago that don't really mean anything to me anymore. I kept very little - only the things that still meant something, pictures I liked. It was very refreshing.

I love who I am right now, and the road I am on.

<3

2008-07-05T00:19:00.002-05:00

I am so deeply in love, and sometimes I am so taken aback by it. I don't think I've ever felt this way. I'm so happy, and I don't want this feeling to ever go away.

:-)

It's Saturday night!

2008-06-21T23:29:00.003-05:00

It's Saturday night, and I am laying here in bed with nothing to do but read/post on the internet. My boyfriend is asleep and cannot hear me calling, so I guess it's update the blog time!

Work continues to be an amazing learning experience. Mostly learning about myself and the way I will work in a professional environment. It's been so helpful thus far, I can only imagine how I will feel at the end of the whole thing. I am not sure if I want a job offer to come from this internship, though. I guess it couldn't hurt to have the offer so I have some options come December. But I'm not sure this is what I want to do. Lately I have become really interested in marketing and public affairs type of work. I kind of wish I had realized this sooner - I would have taken some marketing or communication classes.

The future keeps lingering in my head and messing with my thoughts and emotions. I find myself worrying a lot about things that are half a year away. Thankfully I have lots of people around to tell me to calm down, that I can deal with things as they come.

Hoyt's coming into town next weekend. Yay! I can't wait.

On a random note, I have decided to do a simple BBQ for my birthday, except everyone has to wear something USA related since my b-day is day of the Olympic opening ceremonies. 08-08-08. I have the coolest b-day. :-)

Nighttime musings

2008-06-10T21:49:00.002-05:00

Work is going really well, and it's helping me pinpoint exactly what my comfort zone is, as well as what my strengths and weaknesses are. I have learned the following:

- I seek approval and feedback lot (both a strength and weakness?)
- I am not afraid to ask questions
- I enjoy the more creative aspects of my job, as opposed to the business parts
- A small office with laid back co-workers is my ideal workplace

I'm pretty sure now that I want to work in local government, and organizations such as Rock the Vote and other get out the vote type places sound like a good match as well.

In other news, I got to see Hoyt on Sunday for about 45 mins. It was nice, but way too short. I had just gotten out of the "this is so surreal" feeling when it was time to say good bye. Oh well, I have to be thankful and enjoy every min I get with him. This summer has been a little rough on me, and I imagine it will only get worse. It sucks b.c. we're both so tired at night we don't really talk to one another much, and then we work all day. So communication is limited. Like I said, I just have to cherish every little moment I have to talk to him and/or be with him.

Quick Update

2008-06-05T22:23:00.003-05:00

Work is amazing. I am learning so much, and having a good time while doing it. I think I might have found my niche.

Everything else is good, although I miss my boyfriend terribly :-(

All grown up

2008-05-30T10:16:00.002-05:00

So I've been thinking: when we're younger we all want to grow up so quickly because we get to make our own decisions, our own rules. It's all about freedom and independence.

But really, I think we're much more free when we're young. There's no huge responsibility hanging over our heads - yeah, maybe taking out the trash, but no car payments, insurance deductibles, mortgages, etc.

I guess I am just freaking out about coming to the end of my college career, and becoming a legitimate adult with big girl responsibilities. When I really sit and think about it, it's quite overwhelming. I'm actually trying to figure out what I need in a good health insurance policy, how much of my 401k I should ask a company to match... it's not fun.

Would I say I want to be a kid again, though? Probably not. I imagine I will get over this feeling, especially because I have a great support system. Til then I suppose I will stress out, freak out, etc - which will probably lead to a boring post on this blog much like the one you're reading.

But I would be posting, for a change!

POTD

2008-05-28T00:22:00.000-05:00

Will Amanda update more than just this first-time entry?

Stay tuned to find out!